The language we speak has a great influence over our conversations and relationships, particularly in terms of the differences in women’s and men’s communication. Everything we say, whether female or male, is said in a certain way, in a certain tone, at a certain speed, with a certain word choice and with a certain degree of directness or indirectness. Each person has a certain speaking pattern and there are fundamental differences between women and men in how those patterns look and sound. It could be generalized that linguistic style is a set of culturally learned signals by which we not only communicate what we mean but also interpret others’ meanings and evaluate one another. Language communicates ideas and at the same time negotiates relationships. When we speak, we convey information and knowledge. As we communicate we are in fact building relationships between ourselves and others.
The patterns that make up how men and women speak aren’t the same. We learn ways of speaking as children that stay with us throughout our lives. To a great extent our culture trains men and women to be different. Women are taught to talk about their feelings, to express their sadness through crying and to share experiences with each other. In contrast, men are taught that they ought to face obstacles, to be manly, to hide their tears and be the rocks on which women can rely.
Although at times differences in women’s and men’s communication styles seem to be constant and overwhelming they are really quite minor. For example, both women and men can be nurturing, aggressive, task-focused, or sentimental. What is important to think about, however, is that women and men sometimes perceive the same messages to have different meanings. In fact, it may be as a result of the differences in message interpretation that the battle of the sexes occurs.
It is believed, that for women, talk creates intimacy; however for men it’s a means for maintaining their independence and status. Men are confused by the various ways women use conversation to be intimate with others. Women create feelings of closeness by conversing, while men hear this as a request for advice, so they respond with solutions or simply dismiss the issue if they don’t have solutions. Women often perceive this kind of response as a way of diminishing the problem or cutting them off. To men, they’re being supportive; they don’t realize that what women expect is just the establishment of a certain kind of intimacy and sharing. Thus, an interesting dance emerges from the difference in perceptions. When women continue about the same concerns, showing no interest in the solutions offered by men, confusion and eventual anger catch up with men, they begin to feel like women are about nothing except talk and conversely women begin to feel that men don’t care about them or their problems. This conflict can easily be avoided if men understand the situation and silently listen rather than offer solutions. On the other hand, just listening to men will similarly frustrate them, because when they discuss their problems, this means that they are seeking advice rather than sympathy. Women should understand this and offer advice rather than just being sympathetic.
There are also differences in the way men and women react under stress. When men are under stress, they generally distract themselves with various activities to relax. But there’s also another aspect of the way they handle severe stress that can be particularly frustrating to women who don’t understand the way men are. They retreat and withdraw. They yearn to be apart from everybody else while they figure out their problems alone. Men are very self-reliant and competitive, and for them asking for help is a weakness, so they will want to solve their problems on their own. Women handle stress in the exact opposite way, which of course poses major problems until both sexes understand these differences. When women are stressed, they get more involved with other people. They want to talk about what’s upsetting them, because they administer information and feelings by putting them into words. But merely talking is only half of it, they talk in order to be heard and understood. Having a good listener on the other end, is what they really crave for. They need to be provided with reassurance, love and confidence.
Moreover, a man’s primary desire is for respect. Respect here encompasses too many meanings; trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval and encouragement. Men want to be respected and needed. That’s why it’s devastating for men to lose their jobs. They get their sense of self from achievement, and they crave to be needed, so when the means to achieve and provide for the family are taken away, it’s emotionally catastrophic for them. It’s good for women to know that, so they can be grace-givers in times of trauma. Just like men are devastated by losing their jobs, the exact same happens to women when they lose a close relationship. Just as men crave to feel needed, women long for feeling cherished. Cherishing here means giving tender care, understanding, respect, devotion, validation and reassurance. Women fancy knowing others think they’re special. And just as men yearn for being desired, women wish to be protected. That’s why security is so important to them. Men must to be able to provide and women want to feel provided for.
Generally, women tend to be the relationship specialists and men tend to be the task specialists. Men enjoy giving information as a way to show expertise, while women like sharing information to build relationships. Men expect to give reports to enhance their own power, while women use the opportunity of sharing information to help others gain the same level of knowledge as they have, equalize the playing field and build bonds with others. Men frequently interrupt the rapport to compete for airtime; women wait to speak until others are heard. Women are typically the experts in rapport talk which contain communication patterns that build, maintain and strengthen relationships. Rapport talk reflects skills of talking, nurturing, emotional expression, empathy and support. Men are typically the experts in task accomplishment and addressing questions about facts. They are experts in report talk which is communication that analyzes issues and solves problems. Report talk reflects skills of being competitive, lacking sentimentality, analyzing and focusing aggressively on task accomplishment.
Furthermore, men tend to argue more and find it interesting to disagree, while women more often seek agreement and see disagreement as more threatening to relationships. Men sometimes engage in conflict and disagreements for the fun of it, sometimes to jockey for power. Regardless of the reason, they feel more comfortable with conflict. Women, however, tend to feel uneasy with conflicts and avoid them. What's more, men tend to make unilateral decisions- without checking with others-and they are also more comfortable giving and taking orders. Women, on the other hand, tend to seek input and consensus and are more comfortable with giving and taking suggestions from others, they expect to be consulted about decisions and changes and may even take it as an insult if they’re not.
Women, to a greater extent than men, tend to be sensitive to the underlying meanings about intimacy that lies between the lines in the messages exchanged. That is, societal expectations often make women responsible for regulating intimacy, or how close they allow others to come. Men on the other hand, to a greater extent than women, are more sensitive to between the lines meanings about status. For men, societal expectations are that they must negotiate hierarchy, or who’s the boss and who is the subordinate. These differences in emphasis on interpersonal vs. status implications of messages typically lead women to expect relationships to be based on interdependence and cooperation. They frequently emphasize the similarities between themselves and others, and try to make decisions that make everyone happy. In contrast, it is more typical for men to expect relationships to be based on independence and competition. Men more frequently emphasize the differences between themselves and others, and often make decisions based on their personal needs or desires.
In conclusion, both sexes should understand the inherent differences in their communication styles so that they don’t expect the impossible. There is middle ground where men and women can meet and find understanding. Women must learn that the kind of intimate talk they have with their girlfriends should remain just that. Men, too can understand that when women talk, they’re trying to connect, they’re not just talking nor trying to readjust the status of the relationship. Thus, it’s easy to see that the major fuel for the battle of the sexes is this vastly different way of communicating. If we can build a bridge of communication between both genders, then they would both have the sense to appreciate how each gender compliments the other in a wonderful way. Only then will they create loving relationships, that though not ideal, will be real, and maybe that will be good enough.
To sum up, love is a choice and a decision we make to behave in a loving way, even when we don’t feel like it. When a man chooses to be emotionally sensitive to his partner’s desires, even when they seem illogical, and a women chooses to accept her partner the way he is without wanting to change him, the choice to love has been made. This can sound like being a paradox; no one ever said that learning to love would be easy. Certainly, learning to be whole and share real love takes an advanced set of skills that are well worth cultivating.
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